Our Bliss

It was a pretty quick life-changing feeling. The way they arrived like a present, the way we found out the news that I will walk with 3 heartbeats for another 7 months. I tasted a slice of motherhood and it was awesome. Amidst all of the symptoms haze, I gotta think for them, I gotta eat for them. So they share both the bed and the food evenly.

They keep me warm day and night, and even in the middle of the unpleasantness of this stage, I still poke my belly and think 'we got this'.
We, Me-my husband-and my 2 babies.

But who am I to plan? Who am I anyway? There's always a greater power who knows what's best for me, even though it's killing me, literally.

Just a week after we heard their thriving and alive heartbeats. A week after we saw how they grew in length like any other normal baby. We went to a different doctor looking for another opinion on how to grow this twin healthily. It was at first only like a picnic to the obgyn, I didn't suspect any different result, let alone a bad one. But the rest was only a blur history.

The doctor said he can't see their heartbeats. We were frantic but we chose to be strong and run to our initial doctor. And yes the result was the same. He let us hear each of baby's heartbeat (even though we know that it's not there anymore). And we only hear the silence of their lifeless unbeating heart. It's quiet and deafening at the same time. 

There, with not much emotion scattered in the floor, we talked with the doctor on how to proceed and take them out from me. There's no sign of anything, it's like my body pretends or thinks that everything is perfect. Even up until now, 2 days later. And because there are two tiny bodies with age of 10 weeks and all the supporting substance, then it was too mentally torturing for natural home miscarry for us. So we have to wait 3 days for D&E.

I never realized how devastating it is until the night came and in a puddle of tears my husband was hugging me. Or perhaps hugging us, 'cause physically they're still here. 

The could have been are hilariously sickening. They were identical twins, perfectly separated. They share everything together, the food, the bed, the oxygen. And even when they were leaving us, they chose to do it hand in hand. Together. Not leaving one for us to remember that once they were brought to my tiny weird uterus together.

I know that it happens for a reason, or for a lesson. And I'm taking notes on every small one as we go. God knows the best for me. Husband is the best rock through it all. These two are the first lessons I'm sure.

So goodbye, our mirror babies. Our bliss. Our crazy lesson.

Goodbye, our could have been. I'll be seeing you and cuddle you and sing you lullaby one day perhaps. 

But right now let me carry you until our end time together.